


the tsundere diaries

by GryfoTheGreat



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Assassin's Creed - Freeform, Budgeriar, Carrie - Freeform, Crossdressing, Diary/Journal, Eggs, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Hamsters, Picnics, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sherlock Holmes - Freeform, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:05:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GryfoTheGreat/pseuds/GryfoTheGreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Midorima Shintarou records his life, his loves, his loathes and his ingrained fear of his mother's cooking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in which a journal is begun

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net.  
> This idea came to me after writing a Aida/Midorima oneshot. I lost the shipping, but hey, who cares?  
> I was hugely inspired by smartalker's 'exclamations of the irate' and zero-damage's 'Naoto Shirogane, Ace Detective'.

**~~Diary~~ ** **JOURNAL**

Property of Midorima Shintarou, esq.

_‘Man proposes, God disposes.’_

**KEEP OUT!**

Takao, that includes you. You too, Kise.

 

**Day 1**

Oha Asa recommended beginning a journal. Am wondering if Takao has hijacked it.

Unfortunately, was not able to find journal. Had to buy diary. Said diary was also decidedly feminine. Mutilated cover with black marker. Much better, except it is now covered with demonic butterflies, as Takao got involved.

 

**Day 3**

Kuroko said something about statistics. As I am benched, will write this during training.

My name is, obviously, Midorima Shintarou. Green eyes and hair. Don’t ask. Diagnosed with astigmatism.

Sixteen, six feet and five inches tall. Tall, but not like Murasakibara. Weigh twelve stone and six pounds.

Note to self: find out why people are measured in stones and feet. Imperial is rubbish, but somewhat more interesting than metric.

I like red bean soup, except when my mother is cooking it.

 

**Day 3, later**

Apologies. Coach needed pen, took mine, lost it. Am now writing with a purple one. Secretary hates me. Added to Revenge List.

Can play piano, due to snobby grandmother, also on revenge list. Personal favourite is Bach.

Am decent at shogi. Akashi is still far better. Akashi should also be in a mental institution.

Note to self: Akashi on anti-depressants? FIND OUT.

Am shooting guard on Shuutoku basketball team. Talent is perfect accuracy when shooting three-pointers. Orange jersey, number six. Orange does not like me or my hair. I do not like it back.

Hope to become either international-standard basketball player or doctor.

Am somewhat friendly with Akashi Seijuuro ~~out of fear~~ and Takao. No clue why.

Loathe Kagami Taiga. American idiot, as in that song. Also dislike song. Bad memories, due to hair colour.

 

**Day 5**

Am only child. Live in average house with parents.

Mother, Midorima Kaori, neé Morikawa, forty six. Light green hair, gray eyes. Absent-minded. Cannot cook. Professor of Ancient Japanese Literature at Tokyo U.

Father, Midorima Saizou, forty four. Dark hair, now greying. Easygoing. Cannot cook. Retired microbiologist. Uses wheelchair.

Parents are sickeningly in love. Grandparents distant due to pride. Dislike them.

Pet budgerigar, Kou. Green and yellow plumage. Has bowel problems.

 

**Day 8**

Oha Asa said to tell somebody something they don’t know about themselves.

Called Kise. Told him he was a moron. Said something about sticks and rectums and hung up.

Called Aomine. Wish I hadn’t. I pity Momoi.

Called Kuroko. Said that he knew he was a terrible basketball player. Pleasantly surprised. Told me to tell his coach that she is madly in love with Hyuuga Junpei.

Did so. Looked at me for a few seconds, started crying, told me to fuck off. Did so.

Later saw her and Seirin’s Shooting Guard in middle of heated discussion.

Think Takao is broken.

 

**Day 11**

Mother tried to make sweet and sour today.

Do not think wasabi belongs in sweet and sour.

Currently sympathising with Kou.

 

**Day 12**

Lucky item was a bowl.

People began to call me ‘Kappa.’

Am not planning on playing basketball with a bowl taped to my head ever again.

 

**Day 16**

Noticed Pocari’s nutritional contents.

Shuddered.

Sticking to canned bean soup, even if Takao thinks it’s disgusting.

 

**Day 18**

Met Kuroko and Kagami while trying to find decent food. Cannot survive on mother-issued rations.

Kagami asked me why I had a pinwheel in my pocket. Kuroko glared at him.

How does one eat so many burgers?

On the other side, vanilla milk shakes are quite nice. Have not revealed this to Kuroko. Unfortunately, think he knows.

Note to self: investigate telepathy. Believe Kuroko is a practitioner.


	2. in which a meido is created

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to ‘Shin-Chan’s Nyan Nyan Meido Revenge!’  
> No, seriously.

**Day 21**

Have to buy new glasses again.

Takao decided to throw a basketball at my face while I was trying to keep the first year items away from my lucky item (a PSP with Tokimeki Memorial in. No clue.)

He says he didn’t throw it, that my face got in the way. As I am roughly seven inches taller than him, this is impossibility.

Currently plotting revenge.

 

**Day 22.**

Bought new glasses. Tasteful, lime green interior, ¥ 15,000. Not bad for my prescription.

Hunted through Akihabara for a maid outfit made for men. Surprisingly, received no weird looks.

After finishing this milkshake (vanilla), I am buying cat ears and matching tail.

 

**Day 23**

Mother found me going through her underwear drawer.

Slightly traumatised, but managed to get the stockings.

Dignity, however, has been shredded by mother’s tearfully happy acceptance of my preferences, and her revelation that she will always love me, no matter what.

Told her it wasn’t like that. Predictably didn’t believe me.

Note to self: get therapy. Did not need to know that mother still wears thongs.

 

**Day 24**

Plan almost perfect. After The Stockings Incident, decided to turn to Momoi rather than my mother for help.

Procured black high heels. Woman is resourceful.

Simply require cooperation from Takao’s crush.

 

**Day 25**

Previously mentioned crush helped almost immediately. Despite Kise’s claims, am quite liked among student populace, and thus am recipient of many a one-sided infatuation, this girl included. Something about glasses and my eyes.

Will admit, am handsome bastard.

Perfect revenge. Very satisfied.

 

**Day 26**

Success! Warrants exclamation mark. In fact, may use one more!

Video footage of Takao wearing a full maid outfit, complete with high heels, fishnets and cat ears, saying ‘Moe moe, kyun!’ in a high pitched voice while making a heart shape with his hands now viral on Nico Nico and basketball community.

Make up was nice touch. Quite like that girl.

Plan cost almost as much as glasses, but no matter. Father enjoys hiding money in my room. Seem to enjoy putting it in my schoolbooks. Think he’s going senile.

Midorima: 1

Takao: 0

Am happy enough to use an emoticon.

:D

 

**Day 27**

MIDORIMA SHINTAROU IS A DOUCHEBAG WITH A TINY DICK.

FUCK HIM.

HE’LL NEVER GET A GIRL, MUCH LESS A BOY.

ALSO: I DIDN’T KEEP THE COSTUME, SHITFACE.

-Takao Kazunari

 

**Day 27, later**

Please ignore the earlier entry. Takao-‘chan’ stole it from my bag.

Akashi said he was proud of me. Scared and pleased at same time.

And yes, he did keep the dress.

Dreading explaining the loss of her stockings to mother.


	3. in which a reunion is held

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midorima has no idea why he's friends with these people.

**Day 30**

Lucky item is earrings.

No. Am not Kise.

 

**Day 30, later**

Kise stopped by. Gave me pair of clip-on earrings.

Said he knew I was too much of a pussy to get ears pierced.

Gave him dirty look, took earrings. Asked why listening to Oha Asa.

Said something about his friends being curious. Friend kicked him; said Kise was being sappy idiot and looking out for me.

Quite like said friend. What was his name? Hamamatsu?

No, that’s a city. With motorcycles.

Feel like idiot wearing these. At least they’re not orange.

 

**Day 30, even later**

Yukio Kasamatsu. That’s his name. Kise says that Kasamatsu enjoys kicking him.

Shouldn’t everybody?

 

**Day 30, later than later**

Contrary to Kise’s claims, am not interested in Kasamatsu.

Simply hate not knowing people’s name, esp. after Kagami incident.

 

**Day 30, ridiculously late**

Why won’t Kise stop leaving x’s?

 

**Day 31, barely**

DIE.

 

**Day 32**

Unfortunately, met Aomine today while shopping.

Spent half hour debating basketball shoes. Quite enjoyable. Personally wear Mizuno Wave Crystals, which are **not girly shoes** , no matter what Aomine thinks. He wears Nike Zoom Skyposite, all black, which match his uniform. Believe Momoi picked them out.

Was interrupted by Momoi. Apparently Aomine abandoned her at third jewellery shop.

 She is still very good at crocodile tears. Gave out to Aomine on her behalf, but probably would have done so anyway.

Guilt tripped him into buying us food. Have escaped again from mother’s meals.

Aomine asked how bad she is. Told him to imagine Seirin’s coach and Momoi, multiplied.

Momoi, again, still very good at crocodile tears. Let her wear my glasses in return.

Fell off chair while panicking due to blindness. Not good.

 

**Day 32, later**

Momoi has definitely grown.

 

**Day 34**

Met, of all people, _Murasakibara_ in local konbini while buying fish shaped anpan.

Said he was visiting aunt, renowned chef. Also that this konbini is only one that stocks fried squid crackers.

Urgh.

Had a friend with him, Himuro something. Tetsuya? No, that’s Kuroko.

Knows Kagami. Poor thing.

Tatsuya. That’s it.

Played one on one with him. Won, but not by much.

Said my glasses looked like ones belonging to his friend, Alex. Proceeded to laugh himself silly at myself and Murasakibara’s attempt at saying Alex.

I hate x’s. Especially Kise’s.

 

**Day 36**

Is this Generation of Miracles reunion week?

Akashi visited. Beat me seven times while playing shogi.

Bastard.

He and mother had heated discussion over Sengoku literature.

He left before she broke out the baby pictures of me dressed as Nobunaga, thank god.

 

**Day 36, later**

Kuroko dropped in. Gave me a cake. Apparently Kagami heard from his friend that I hadn’t eaten in a day.

Had to say thank you. Hatred.

Kuroko brought his dog with him. Father adored him, as did mother. Is planning to donate my old Nobunaga costume to Testsuya # 2.

Am still allergic to dog hair.


	4. in which midorima is most definitely not an acrobat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Backflips? Really, Takao?

**Day 39**

Ashamed to state that I spent practice attempting to do backflips.

Am determined to learn how, as Takao can. Anything he can do, I can do better.

Ashamed to state that am doing same thing tomorrow.

 

**Day 40**

Using practice mats was remarkably good idea, but still think have dislocated pelvis.

 

**Day 41**

Ears are in agony, due to using elastics to keep glasses on while doing backflips.

Takao will not win this.

 

**Day 42**

Writing this in detention, without Takao, who has long gone home.

Good news: succeeded in performing backflip!

Bad news: broke principal’s nose while doing so.

Added to Revenge List, which is now three pages long.

 

**Day 43**

Parents, instead of treating detention as crime, are congratulating me. Think they think it is rite of passage.

Am obviously adopted.

 

**Day 46**

Aomine, Kuroko, Kagami and Kise all came to school to laugh at me.

Gave them the finger, but was caught by teacher.

More detention. School is too strict.

 

**Day 48**

Freedom!

Actually gave teacher the finger this time, but was not caught, as am amazing.

Takao apologised. Bought me more food, as he has tasted mother’s cooking.

Saw Akashi and Kuroko out together.

?


	5. in which a mystery is not really solved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midorima comes over all consulting detective on us, while Akashi scopes out the talent and tries to recruit more of the generals.

**Day 49**

Takao is calling me Shintarou Holmes.

Whatever. Am determined to find out why Kuroko and Akashi are even talking.

Have christened him Kazunari Watson.

All he needs now is facial hair.

 

**Day 51**

Have new partner.

Bumped into Kagami while trailing Kuroko.

Yesterday yielded nothing, as Kuroko did not leave house. However, today saw him going towards public courts.

Saw Kagami behind bush. Apparently, he was hiding. Said it wasn't my division and got into a fight.

While arguing to Kagami, lost track of Kuroko. Blame him.

Takao and Kagami far too friendly.

 

**Day 51, later**

Takao calling Kagami Taiga Lestrade.

This is going too far.

 

**Day 53**

Have solved mystery!

That is my fourth exclamation mark. Despicable. Must limit self.

Saw Kuroko in library while taking out _The Hound of the Baskervilles_. Watson and Lestrade were busy with sports annuals.

Asked him why talking to Akashi.

Kuroko said that Akashi had wanted to know how Kiyoshi Teppei was doing.

Told him to tell Kiyoshi to hide. Replied that he had done so.

Had to rescue the two idiots from the Mills and Boon section. By then, Kuroko, predictably, had disappeared.

 

**Day 53, later**

Akashi just texted.

Told me to stop trying to be a detective, that he knew all along, and that he saw my hair miles away.

Typical.

Note to self: Akashi also telepathic? Was meeting with Kuroko due to that? FIND OUT.

Takao now calling Akashi Seijuuro Moriarty.

Kuroko now Tetsuya Adler.

The implications are somewhat terrifying.

 

**Day 54**

Lucky item today was deerstalker hat.

Think world hates me.


	6. in which fathers are  explained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Midorima hates slugs, and really hates hospitals.

**Day 56**

Spent entire day gardening with father.

Actually, I gardened. He watched, as is confined to wheelchair. Not his fault, but still annoyed.

Never going to get all the dirt out from under nails.

 

**Day 57**

Gardening again; apparently, rose bushes infected. Don’t know how.

Note to self: can plants vomit? FIND OUT.

Mother debating beginning vegetable garden. Am debating running away from home. Mother and food agree about as well as Kagami and Aomine.

 

**Day 58**

Hate slugs with a passion. Why do they exist? Why does father insist on not using pesticides?

Am thinking of covertly buying slug pellets and scattering them in garden.

Hope the little fuckers die slowly, painfully, and gruesomely.

 

**Day 59**

Takao helped me today. Said he was sick of me whining.

Worried for father. Mother in love with Takao.

Takao seemed awkward. Wonder why?

Will ask him now, as he is still here. Am writing this in bedroom while Takao sucks up to parents.

 

**Day 59, later**

Am complete idiot.

Turns out Takao didn’t know of father’s status as paraplegic.

More later.

 

**Day 59, even later**

I’ll elaborate.

Father was born perfectly functional; in fact, too functional. I received brains from his side, looks from mother.

Father worked as virologist in laboratory. Was driving home from work late one night, and collided with drunk driver.

Drunk driver escaped unscathed. Currently in prison, as he should be. Father in coma for two months. Woke up with damaged spinal cord, and hasn’t walked since. Had to retire and move to more suitable house.

Mother cried for weeks.

I was thirteen.

Am more used to wheel chair now. Used to loathe it.

He doesn’t mind it anymore. Enjoys racing, usually with his sister pushing pram and me pushing him. No idea how we’re related.

Still hate hospitals.

 

**Day 61**

Takao apologised to me properly today. Told him not to worry; entire Teikou team did exact same thing.

Asked me why carrying umbrella. Told him it was lucky item.

Father gave it to me in case of rain.

Soppy idiot.


	7. in which a picnic is held

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isn't spending time with your friends supposed to be fun, not rage-inducing?

**Day 64**

Had swinging contest with Takao in park.

Won, but fell off swings while attempting to get off. Also had to reclaim swing set from children. Felt guilty...well, not really.

Takao is currently caught in the chains of swing. Have decided not to help. Currently pointing and laughing at him from safe distance.

 

**Day 65**

Hate communal dressing rooms.

Takao, who shall be henceforth known as ‘That Son of a Bitch’, decided to get his revenge for The Park Incident. He and Otsubo stole my clothes and left heart print boxers behind.

Girl’s team practice after us. Had to walk across court half-naked while wearing novelty underwear. However, heard several exclamations of ‘ABS!’, so somewhat satisfied.

Again, will admit, am handsome bastard.

 

**Day 67**

Team just figured out my proficiency at piano.

Was dragged into music room and forced to play Traumerei.

Think Miyaji cried.

 

**Day 69 (OH FOR GOD’S SAKE)**

Was dragged on a picnic today by Kagami, who said something about ‘help me why.’

Found myself in park, which was nice.

Also found myself in company of Kuroko, Aomine, and Kise, which was not.

Played street ball against some stupid strangers. Crushing them was very enjoyable.

Kuroko was strangely proud of the boiled eggs, as he made them.

Kagami is far, far better cook than mother. Considering begging him to give her lessons. That is how desperate I am for edible sustenance.

Kise brought several boxes of chocolates from admirers. Said he couldn’t eat them all, as he wasn’t a brute like Kagami. Agreed, but ate them anyways, after Kagami had finished trying to use our heads as basketball hoops.

Predictably, Aomine spiked the drinks. Personally did not drink any, but still had to escort Kise home and stop him from aggravating the hoboes and trying to kill several benches. Kuroko was meant to help me, but lost him after the third tree Kise molested.

Currently wondering how we all qualify as being part of the same species.

 

**Day 70**

Oh, god.

The water was pure vodka.

Is this what a hangover feels like?

Never drinking again.

 

**Day 70, later**

Okay, so probably will ingest alcohol in future, but point stands.

Aomine going on Revenge List for nineteenth time.


	8. in which hamsters are adopted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, Midorima does NOT have a problem with that.  
> No.  
> NO.

**Day 75**

Akashi has decided that he is becoming a rap artist, except every single work of his will be in iambic pentameter.

What.

 

**Day 75, later**

And now he wants me to help him.

Why can’t his new team-mates take care of him? Do they not realize that if they don’t give him a Rubik’s Cube to solve every week he goes insane?

 

**Day 75, even later**

Kise blames it on my maternal instincts.

Am not even going to dignify that with a response.

 

**Day 76**

Have figured out why Kagami eats so much.

He spits out half of it while he’s eating.

It is quite like being sand blasted with the remnants of a day at McDonalds.

No wonder Kuroko always sits next to him.

 

**Day 79**

Why?

Science teacher did chapter on reproduction today.

 

**Day 79, later**

No, Takao, I do not have a problem with that.

It was coincidence that the teacher looked at me while discussing that.

 

**_Day 79, why the fuck can’t he just write the day of the week like a normal person?_ **

_Since Shin-chan is too embarrassed to explain, I, the amazing Takao will;_

_Hamaura-sensei was discussing the connection between the bladder and the seminal glands, and reassured us that you can’t pee with a...well, you get what I mean._

_Except she said it to Shin-chan._

_Green and red don’t go together so well, you know?_

**Day 80**

Have finally retrieved journal from beneath boy’s toilet stall number four.

Disinfected thoroughly, but cover is slightly damaged (not that it wasn’t already) with bleach, as are my hands.

It hurts to do everything, but people pee in the sinks in that place.

 

**Day 81**

After seeing results of bleach, used it to kill Aomine’s jersey.

He deserves it. Did not need to get grilled by my parents about teenage drinking. I know for a fact that Dad got stoned at a concert when he was my age.

 

**Day 82**

Yes, that spot over there is blood.

Aomine tried to kill me with journal, as bleach managed to get on his hair as well. Incredibly vain of him, but found it very funny to watch Kise cry when Aomine yelled about dumb blondes.

Think I need to get new friends. Almost choked on a piece of Hello Kitty candy last time I talked to Murasakibara.

 

**Day 85**

Kise has sent me forty-five texts in the past three days, solely containing the phrase ‘no homo.’

I worry for him.

Well, not really.

 

**Day 86**

Have spent the past day in an animal rescue centre.

Also, fostered a hamster named Kasimir, which is a better name than his previous (Mutt. I don’t know either).

Hoping Kou and Kasimir will get along, if only so that I don’t have to explain all the blood.

Amount of ‘no homo’s today: 13

 

**Day 86, later**

Let Kou out of his cage to introduce him to Kasimir. Promptly pooped on my head.

Total amount of ‘no homo’s today: 28

 

**Day 87**

WILL

KISE

STOP

Total amount of ‘no homo’s today: 35

 

**Day 89**

Mother saw the ‘no homo’s.

Gave me the acceptance speech again.

Kasimir is currently sitting on my SIM card. Hoping he will pee on it, or something of the sort.

 

**Day 89, later**

Interesting fact: Baby hamsters are called pups. The collective noun applied to hamsters is ‘horde’.

Can a male rodent adopt a small piece of plastic? FIND OUT.


	9. in which idiots are kidnapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy.  
> In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.  
> In Kuroko no Basuke, Halloween is the one night a year the MiraGen can let their inner drag queens out.

**Day 92**

Received a call from Takao this morning, as have replaced SIM card and thoroughly scared Kise, through the use of his senpai and a large baseball bat.

He informed me that Hallowe’en takes place in a week, and ‘have you any idea what you will dress up as?’

I do not dress-up for Hallowe’en. The last time I did, I was thirteen and dressed up as a basketball player, which doesn’t even count, because I was coming home from training. I didn’t even get any candy; Murasakibara took everyone’s and passed out from a sugar induced coma halfway home.

Hung up on Takao.

 

**Day 93**

Kuroko called over, bearing a carrot cake, which my mother took with thanks. Forgot that Kuroko’s mother, who is simultaneously a health nut and a sugar addict, is an amazing baker.

Kuroko didn’t talk for about ten minutes, which is normal. He broke said silence by asking me if he could borrow my old black maneki neko, if I wasn’t using it.

Completely baffled. Told him yes.

He took the cat, and was about to leave, but the Bulls game came on, so we got distracted, watched that, and almost broke the TV. He left just before my mother served dinner. Sneaky bastard.

 

**Day 94**

Murasakibara asked if my father has a spare wheelchair.

He does, but it is somewhat broken. Said he didn’t care, that he could fix it.

Gave wheelchair to his friend with the beauty mark.

Why on earth does Murasakibara need a wheelchair? Yes, he’s as lazy as sin, but that doesn’t make too much sense.

 

**Day 95**

Aomine came over. Said he wanted to see my mother’s collection of weapons and armour.

Didn’t know he knew about them. No one really does, as they are slightly illegal, but mother keeps them anyways.

Spent about a good hour picking through the stuff with him. Eventually, he seemed to find what he wanted (two slim knives, two wrist metal wrist protectors, an axe, a bow and a quiver), and then managed to sweet-talk my mother into giving him them.

Currently wondering why on earth we armed Aomine, but have decided that if he gets dangerous, will force-feed him my mother’s latest attempt at omurice.

 

**Day 96**

Kise called me, and asked if I could get him some blood.

Passed him onto dad and hid in my room. Attempted to teach Kou how to say ‘Kise is a eunuch.’

Am quite certain Kise isn’t a vampire. He doesn’t sparkle in the sun or anything. Besides, he’s much too happy to be an angsty teenage monster.

 

**Day 97**

Received the pleasure of a visit from Akashi, who coerced me into helping him make nine fox tails.

Hoping it is simply for a project of some sort, and not a demon-summoning ritual, because that would be so Akashi it would be terrifying.

Akashi also spent a better portion of his time attempting to communicate by barking.

He is, quite simply, _barking mad_.

Oh, I make myself laugh.

 

**Day 98**

Kagami needed to borrow Kou.

Asked him why.

He just looked at me as if I were a moron, and then said ‘Figure it out, fuckface.’

Hope he gets avian flu, or maybe that he gets pooped on. Kou does have a very instable bladder.

 

**Day 99, Hallowe’en (like I care)**

Hmm. No one’s turned up yet. Very peaceful...

Wait.

What’s that?

It sounds like foot-----

 

HELP

          A

                      M

BEING

                       KIDNAPPED

 

**Day 99, later**

I am an idiot.

Turns out that everyone needed to borrow things from me in order to make their Hallowe’en costume

Kuroko is a witch. He’s meant to be a wizard, but what he’s wearing looks like dress, so he’s a witch.

Kagami is dressed up as a pirate. He has the hat and everything. He and Kou are currently insulting each other. If Kou has an American accent by the end of this, I will kill Kagami with his plastic sword.

Murasakibara has decided to be Stephen Hawking, except he keeps getting up, so it’s more like Stephen Walking.

Get it? HAHAHA.

His friend with the beauty mark is dressed up as a nurse-a female one.

Aomine is apparently one of those assassin people from that videogame. He’s rather scary, except he can’t do an Italian, Eastern or a Native American accent to save his life, and he keeps accidentally hitting himself with the axe.

Momoi is ‘dressed’ up as some pink monstrosity. She says she’s a bunny, except she’s showing more skin than fur. She also keeps sidling over to Kuroko, who is ignoring her. Poor thing.

Kise is currently wearing a pink dress, a wig and a tiara. His friend Kazunari, who is a very bored American football player, is pouring water with red food dye in over him at regular intervals. Turns out that father wouldn’t get him the blood. Kise is also screaming a lot. He sounds remarkably feminine.

Akashi is wandering around the place dressed as a kitsune. His eyes keep flashing, so it is somewhat convincing, but the tails keep falling off.

As for me?

I’m a penguin. With a tutu.

I’m a _ballerina fucking penguin_.

Takao has an insane amount of white fur draped over himself, along with a flamenco skirt. He claims to be a Spanish polar bear, except I think he just looks like an idiot.

 

**Day 100, barely**

Fireworks!

What? Everyone likes fireworks.

The bonfire is also exceptionally large this year. Am considering throwing Takao in, but...

Well.

This isn’t too bad, the whole ‘Hallowe’en with my friends’ thing, as long as Muraskaibara doesn’t take my sweets.

I’ m not going to tell them that, of course. They can figure it out themselves.


	10. in which diaries are defiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The forthcoming chapter contains copious amounts of Kise writing like an annoying teenage girl.  
> Really, he’s a genius, but he pretends to be stupid to piss Midorima off, unlike Aomine, who is legitimately an idiot and cannot tie ties.

**Day 103**

 Currently in social studies.

Pointless, pointless class. Usually just spend it doing science instead.

However, school has taken on a few trainee teachers recently, one of which has been assigned to teach 1-1 social studies.

This is bad.

Very bad.

 

**Day 103, later**

Okay, so class was not about relationships and puberty. Thank every deity in existence.

Was instead about responsibility and taking care of family.

Doesn’t sound too horrible, but Ms. Hanakawa spoke of a project. Reassured us it would be enjoyable.

Am waiting in fear for next class.

 

**Day 106**

Kise STOP TEACHING KOU SWEAR WORDS.

STOP.

 

**Day 106, later**

Why is the Yellow Menace here anyways?

Why are all my friends both clinically insane and named after the colour of their hair?

Excepting Kuroko, but Kuroko generally doesn’t count anyways.

 

**_Day 106, and even more later HAHA GRAMMATICAL ERRORRS WHEEE_ **

_Midorimachiiiii~_

_Your diary still isn’t interesting! Booooooring! It needs more illustrations! Here:_              
    
    
    mm.               dM8
    
    
       YMMMb.           dMM8
    
    
        YMMMMb         dMMM'
    
    
         `YMMMb       dMMMP
    
    
           `YMMM      MMM'
    
    
              "Mbd    MP
    
    
          .dMMMMMM.PPPP
    
    
      dMM       MMMMMMMM
    
    
      8MMMMMMMMMMIMM
    
    
        YMMMMMMMMMMM
    
    
          "MMMMMMPMM
    
    
           MxM mmm
    
    
         WWW"W """ VK

_It’s a slutty bunny! It suits youuuu~_

_And Kou needs to learn easy words! Swear words are easy! He says duck instead of fuck though! I think that’s cute~ Almost as cute as Midorimachi~_

_As for the colour thing...?_

_OMG I neeeeever thought of that._

_Maybe it’s a conspiracy! By the Illuminati! Or those people from The Da Vinci Code with the spiky leg thingies!_

_Oh, one more drawing~_

....................../´¯/)   
....................,/¯../   
.................../..../   
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸   
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\   
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')   
.........\\.................'...../   
..........''...\\.......... _.·´   
............\\..............(   
..............\\.............\\...

_And another, this is fun! Maybe I should become an artist?_

_B======D_

_Bye bye~_

**Day 107**

Just found my diary.

He drew a Playboy bunny in my diar-JOURNAL.

He DREW a PLAYBOY BUNNY in my JOURNAL.

He also drew A MIDDLE FINGER in my JOURNAL>

Not to mention the DICK.

MY DIARY-JOURNAL.

Excuse me.

 

**Day 107, later**

Kazunari snuck into the boy’s showers during practice for me and put pink dye in Kise’s (horse) shampoo.

Seriously, horse shampoo. Scary.

Apparently, Kazunari has suffered under the yoke of blonde, airheaded friendship for too long.

Looking forward to Kise’s face.

 

**Day 108 (coincidence? I think not)**

HAHAHAHA!

Kise’s strawberry blond phase is all over the social networks.

Revenge is sweet.

Very pink, too.


	11. in which jokes are poached

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Egg minding has never been so punny.  
> Sorry.

**Day 110**

D-Day has arrived.

Wish me luck.

 

**Day 110, later**

AN EGG

WHAT

WHAT

 

**Day 110, even later**

_This entry has been erased by Tetsuya Kuroko. Don’t worry, you aren’t missing anything important, just a lot of rage. And swearing._

_On second thought, I, Kuroko, am probably doing you a favour._

**Day 111**

Must remember to thank Kuroko for that. Such a display of impotent rage is pathetic, and shall not occur again.

It probably will, but that is beside the point.

What is actually on the point is the project class 1-1 has been assigned for Social Studies.

We have to mind an egg.

For a week.

If we fail at this task, we fail aforementioned subject.

_what_

**Day 112**

Mother has already tried to boil it.

After I intervened, she gave it facial hair and christened it Benedict Baffetti.

Not asking.

 

**Day 113**

The ranks have been culled.  Five ovum have lost their lives. That was not a typo.

Takao has named his Bom-Chicka-Wah-Wah. Incredibly, obnoxiously annoying, as keeps singing song.

Have threatened to crack egg over head, but was been informed that eggs are in fact conducive to hair health. Threatened to not crack egg over head. Takao just high-fived himself.

This is eggscruciating.

 

**Day 114**

Some girls (chicks?) have obtained tiny wigs and bows and put them on their eggs, invariably called Easter. Assuming this is in order to get a grade A.

Several misinformed vegetarians have been complaining. Fujiba-sensei yelled that they’re ‘NOT FUCKING FERTILISED’ and is now in deep conversation with principal.

Ms. Kawahara looks scared. She is not very hard-boiled.

 

**Day 115**

OOTSUBO STOLE BENNY.

Found ransom note in locker. Seemed to bear eggy stains. Several words were also misspelled.

Have initiated mission ‘Retrive Il Yolke!’, and enlisted Takao’s help.

 

**Day 115, later**

Have heard the words. “Eggcellent shot, Midorima!” too many times during practice.

Must begin stage one now.

 

**Day 115, even later**

Handed Takao the previously prepared basketball.

He threw it at Ootusbo without warning, who fumbled and tore the ‘basketball’ (which was made out of papier-mâché) which contained the contents of several... well, you can guess. It was eggsplosive.

Suffice to say, Ootsubo is eggstremely angry, and I am _running very hard_

**Day 116**

Have retrieved BB, but am grievously injured.

The bruise on my leg resembles a Venn diagram.

Dislike Venn diagrams.

Dislike Ootsubo.

Dislike eggs.

 

**Day 117**

Have passed Social Studies!

Did not actually think I would survive this long.

Rather hungry. Will I fry or scramble Ben-

 

**Day 117, later**

**_This entry is mostly illegible, as is stained heavily with... eggs?_ **

**_The few words that are visible are_ **

‘WHAT’

‘TRIPPED BY’

‘NOT EGGSAGGERATING’

‘DEATH’

 

**Day 118**

RIP Benedict Baffetti.

In other news, more impotent rage.

Note to self: medication for hyper-tension suitable for athletes? Find out.


	12. in which reputations are ruined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kise is a teenage girl, Akashi has too much money, and everyone else is just stupid.

**Day 120**

Spent an IQ-lowering day in the company of Aomine, Kagami and Kuroko.

Not quite sure why. Am assuming fourth man was required to ensure that Kuroko would not disappear.

Asked why they didn’t enlist Kise’s help, was told that Kise ‘is being female’ and refusing to go outside.

Told Kagami he was a misogynist.

He just looked at me. Then he asked if that was ‘some weird insulting name’ for Americans.

Aomine broke into conversation and informed him that it carried the meaning of pig-hater.

Was trying to get Kuroko to stop them arguing (about bacon?) and realised he had gone missing.

Again.

Genuinely confused. Am also thoroughly despairing for future of Japan.

 

**Day 123**

Decided to pay visit to Kise in show of friendly solidarity.

Not really. Have not eaten since disastrous Day of the Morons and the Kise family have a fleet of world-class chefs on their payroll.

Personally would rather visit Akashi, but he is currently attempting to learn the art of glassmaking. Last time I called he broke a chandelier. Predictably, did not end well.

Tried to go in and was dragged by solicitous doorman up to the Yellow Menace’s bedroom, which is very big and very empty.

Found Kise rocking back and forth in corner. When prodded for information he proclaimed that his ‘CAREER is RUINEEEEEEEDDDDDD’ and began to sob.

Sat beside him for five minutes, received food from maid, and promptly left.

Looking back, it seems rather dickish.

Eh.

 

**Day 123, later**

How is a cheapo diary making I, Midorima Shintarou, feel guilty?

 

**Day 123, even later**

Fine. I’ll visit him the day after tomorrow.

Satisfied?

Diary is becoming more shrewish by the day. Must be careful or I will become embroiled in a court battle for custody.

 

**Day 124, barely**

JOURNAL.

JOURNAL.

Spending all this time with baskethead friends has resulted in memory loss.

 

**Day 125**

Asked Momoi for advice on the Kise issue, as she is female and therefore good with feelings.

She said to treat him as if he were a girl I wished to date. Have since decided that dating is unprofitable and should be avoided.

Invited Kise out myself this time.

Spent day in city. Despite the overcast day, Kise spent the entire time wearing sunglasses and a red tartan fedora. Tried to get him to take it off but was unable to.

Did he actually glue it to his head?

He was very monosyllabic. Was quite discomfited. Luckily, after ten butterscotch pancakes, he cheered up a small bit. He was actually answering in sentences when we saw The Magazine.

Yes, The Magazine. A monstrosity of such magnitude deserves to be a proper noun.

Kise shrieked and hid behind me. Not understanding, I picked it up.

Apparently there was an entire article devoted to Kise’s apparent new fetish for sadomasochism.

Bought it and ran after Kise. Couldn’t find him, unfortunately. Went home dissatisfied and distraught.

 

**Day 126**

Really don’t want to read this. Would actually pick my mother’s Anchovy Surprise over this.

 

**Day 126, later**

But...  I must. This is essential to my integrity.

 

**Day 126, even later**

So much leather. _So much._

**Day 126, really really late**

...

Now understand Kise’s mortification.

 

**Day 128**

Have convened meeting of Generation of Miracle minus Kise and Akashi but plus Kagami, which means less squealing, less awkward silence and more stupidity.

Presented The Magazine. Aomine actually shut up.

Murasakibara (on webcam) spat chocolate all over camera. Kagami broke said webcam in an attempt to put as much physical distance as possible between himself and The Magazine.

Kuroko blinked, which is equivalent to a normal person fainting.

After ten minutes of shouting and terror managed to restore order and eventually agree on calling Akashi on Skype.

When contacted, Akashi was covered in blood. Decided to ignore this and instead asked him to do something _please_ because Kise is not just our friend but also occasionally bearable.

Akashi agreed and reassured us that he would take care of it, as Kise is ‘a valuable asset.’ Then he hung up.

Everyone got out quickly, as Mother was offering us chocolate and kidney bean cake.

 

**Day 128, later**

Fairly sure Momoi took my copy of The Magazine.

 

**Day 131**

The Magazine Predicament has been solved!

... By Akashi _buying every single copy of The Magazine in Japan._

Some people are too rich.

 

**Day 132**

Kise brought me some red bean soup.

Am trying not to seem touched.


End file.
